I'm Not Denying It
by Aldela Krahn
Summary: She cried, cried until she could cry no more. She missed him like a blind man misses sight and a deaf man misses sound, but she was happy he was gone and she couldn't deny it. She loved him, but she hated him. She was happy he was gone and there was no denying it. Did it make her a bad person? Maybe. Did she care? Not particularly.


_**A quick one-shot about Carol and Ed that I thought up because of a song that may or may not fit the topic. Basically, the only reason this even exists is because I am desperately hoping that this will kick start the creative half of my brain and I can go back to working on the four stories I have out. Not likely, but I can dream.**_

_**Note: I am not using the entire song, just bits and pieces. **_

_**Another note: I do not own The Walking Dead, any of its characters, or the song Gone Forever by Three Days Grace.**_

_**Note #3: If you like this, despite its crappiness, you should go check out my Walking Dead Story "Hell on an Angel". And if you like Maximum Ride by James Patterson or The Lord of the Rings by Tolkien, you should check out my stories "Finding New Family" (MR) and "The Knowing, The Brave, and The Completely Clueless" (LOTR). I also have a twilight story that I half work on that's called "The Past Returns". Not sure that I'm actually gonna continue it. Just depends really. Anyway... Onward!**_

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><p><em>Don't know what's going on<em>

_Don't know what went wrong_

_Feels like a hundred years_

_I still can't believe you're gone_

_So I'll stay up all night_

_With these bloodshot eyes_

_While these walls surround me with the story of our life_

Carol sat staring at Ed's blood soaked body as Sophia slept fitfully beside her. It was late. Well, technically it was early. Dawn was just beginning to break hours after the initial attack on the camp, and Carol found herself unable to sleep. Her eyes were red, bloodshot, and her nose was runny and sore. She wasn't crying, but she had spent the last several hours doing so. She wasn't sure she was capable of tears anymore. Not for the man that had ruined her life.

She had met Ed in high school. She was young, shy, and unaccustomed to compliments. Ed had been the first male that had ever truly taken notice of her, and maybe that was part of the reason she had fallen so hard for him. But back then, he'd been nice and sweet and kind. Nothing like he had been even just days earlier.

He was always polite and never acted inappropriate in the least. His eyes never strayed from her face, his hands never drifted, he never made any crude jokes; he was the perfect gentleman. So when he asked her out her, she said yes.

They dated for three years before they got married and not once had he ever raised a hand to her or raised his voice. He never tried to take control of her life. He let her pick where they went on dates, he got her small trinkets and chocolates and flowers on Valentine's Day. Even her parents had liked him. No one could see anything wrong with him.

_First time you screamed at me_

_I should have made you leave_

_I should have known it could be so much better_

Everything changed after they got married. The controlling came first. He'd start to call, check in at all hours of the day. If she wasn't at home, he threw a fit. The yelling was next. If she went anywhere and didn't tell him, if she didn't have dinner ready when he got home, if the house wasn't clean, then he'd yell. Scream at the top of his lungs until he was red in the face. It should have been the clue, should have been the sign that she needed to get out while she still had the chance, but she'd loved him so much. She couldn't just leave him. If only she had.

The hitting was the last part to show itself. He always seemed to find fault in something, no matter how perfect things seemed. When yelling didn't seem enough, he'd hit her. It started out once, maybe twice a week depending on how mad he was and how his day had been. But it began happening more frequently and began to become harsher. It wouldn't be just a slap, but a punch. Or he'd throw something at her and it usually wasn't soft.

When she found out she was pregnant with Sophia, she had hoped that maybe it would stop and maybe the thought of a child would bring them even closer. For a while, it did seem to make things calmer. He didn't hit her, he still yelled, but didn't hit. After Sophia was born, though, the hitting started again and became progressively worse as the years went on. Thankfully though, he never touched her little girl.

Sophia knew, despite Carol's attempts to keep it hidden from her, she knew what her father did to Carol. Carol could see the fear in her eyes every time Ed walked in the room and it made Carol sick. She knew, she knew that she should have left while she could, that she should try to leave, but she couldn't make herself do it. She loved Ed. She couldn't leave him.

The apocalypse happening seemed to make things even worse than before, mostly because of the way he had begun to look at Sophia. It wasn't innocent or filled with the love a father should have. It was perverted, a predatory look that made Carol panic. Deep down, she had no doubt that he would do something to her baby girl and Carol couldn't let that happen. In some ways, she was glad he was gone. Now she didn't have to worry for her baby girl and now she didn't have to deal with the pain and pitiful looks she received from the other women of the camp.

_I feel so much better_

_Now that you're gone forever_

_I tell myself I don't miss you at all_

Once Sophia was awake, Carol pulled her from the tent and led her to the RV for a make shift breakfast. As the sun rose higher in the sky, the men of the group began to collect the bodies to take care of them. Everyone watched as bodies were dragged out and laid in the open. Daryl, pick axe in hand, began to go around and smash in the heads. Carol could see several of the women flinch and even more hold back tears as Glen, T-dog and Morales began to move the bodies into piles.

When Daryl finished with the body before Ed's, Carol stood. After asking Lori to watch Sophia for a few minutes, she quickly walked over to where Daryl was now standing beside Ed's dead body. He was about to swing when Carol stepped up.

"I'll do it. He's my husband."

Daryl just looked at her before handing the axe over. The axe was heavy in her hands as she stared down at Ed's body. Tears came to her eyes again. She loved him. She loved him so much and he missed him, but at the same time she was so happy he was gone. Gone forever, no longer alive to torture her and stare at Sophia. Tears leaking from her eyes, Carol heaved the axe over her shoulder and swung. She did it again, and again, and again until there was nothing left of Ed's face. The face she had loved so much. She was aware of the people watching her, but she didn't care. She missed him, but she hated him.

_And now it's coming clear_

_That I don't need you here_

_And in this world around me_

_I'm glad you disappeared_

For the rest of the day she watched the camp move about as she sat with Sophia. That evening, when they buried their dead up on the hill, Carol didn't cry. She felt better, stronger maybe. She still missed him, he would always hold a spot in her heart as the first man she had ever loved, but she didn't need him. He wasn't good for her. He had hurt her, abused her, and struck fear into the heart of the one thing that meant the world to her; her daughter. No, Carol didn't need Ed and she was glad he was gone. That night, she slept.

The next day they packed themselves up and began the journey to the CDC in search of help for Jim. As she and Sophia slid into the Grimes' car, Carol took one last look at the place where she had both lost her love, and gained her freedom.

_I feel so much better_

_Now that you're gone forever_

_I tell myself that I don't miss you at all_

_I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now_

_That you're gone forever_


End file.
